Everything Is Not Always Going To Be Okay, And That’s Okay

Sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. Everyday isn’t going to be peaches and cream or bloomed roses. Sometimes shit happens.

It’s not always about what happens but moreso how you deal with it after it happens. You have no control over certain situations but you do have control over how you react to any situation.

So yeah, miss me with that toxic positivity that everything is going to be okay when that’s not always the case. I get thinking positive and all but sometimes you just have to be real with yourself and say ‘self, this will not be alright. And I’m okay with that’.

I Think I’m Okay…

Hey. It’s been a while and I feel like I need to vent. So… Remember the job that I told you I got and that I was moving? Yeah… Well… It fell through. Partially due to their incompetence and partially due to the government shutdown. I’m super pissed and now I am on the look for something else.

Because of this I’ve been really depressed and just overall sad and self deprecating. I feel like I can’t win for losing. I’ve been in a kind of funk. I’m slowly coming out of it thanks to my friend that stuck with me and made me feel like I could go on even though I know I’ve been an ass and wasn’t being myself and kind at all. I need to do a better job of treating the people I love and adore like people that I love and adore. Just because I’m having a bad day doesn’t give me the right to ruin their day.

Some good news though. When I got my letter that my offer was rescinded I immediately started applying and I now have 2 offers pending shutdown ending and 3 interviews this week alone! I’m starting to get excited but at the same time I don’t want to get too excited and have the rug pulled from under me. I’m working on controlling my negative thoughts.

Meditation and mapping has really helped. Mapping is when you recognize your problem, like depression or anger, and either go backwards day by day to see when, how and why it started and come up with a solution or brainstorm it by identifying the problem, like depression or anger, and figuring out the symptoms of those specific problems. You will then see commonalities between the symptoms thus finding the root cause. Once you figure out the root cause you can work on solutions for them. My root cause for my anger, depression and self-esteem issues are money and unemployment. Actually moreso lack of a schedule. Workdays is just a routine that you do. I didn’t have a routine so that led to my mind wandering. I’ve learned that I have to stay busy. Now that I have a routine I actually feel better. We sat down and made a daily routine. Once I started following it my self-esteem has started to rise.

I’m working in myself so that I can be better for the people I love around me. Being an introvert makes it difficult for me to reach out to people when I feel bad or less than adequate.

History of Watch Night Services

The Watch Night Services in Black communities that we celebrate today can be traced back to gatherings on December 31, 1862, also known as “Freedom’s Eve.”
On that night, Blacks came together in churches and private homes all across the nation, anxiously awaiting news that the Emancipation Proclamation actually had become law. Then, at the stroke of midnight, it was January 1, 1863, and all slaves in the Confederate States were declared legally free .

When the news was received, there were prayers, shouts and songs of joy as people fell to their knees and thanked God. Black folks have gathered in churches annually on New Year’s Eve ever since, praising God for bringing us safely through another year.

New Book/Author Alert

The Known World is a 2003 historical novel by Edward P. Jones. Set in Virginia during the antebellum era, it examines the issues regarding the ownership of black slaves by both white and black Americans.

I first heard about Mr. Jones when #bae and I went to see #levarburtonreads live on October 31st and he read one of his short stories. We were both so captivated and enthralled by the story that I immediately bought all three of his books as soon as we got home. I’ve just started on this one and will probably work my way through it fairly quickly. It’s an easy read and a great story that seems to just suck me in and make me want to keep going and turning page by page to see what happens. You should check him and his work out.

I Ran Away

I ran away from home. Home being adulthood. Yep, I packed my little bag of toys and walked to the backyard and climbed up to my treehouse (sorta) and sat. Adulting just became too much for me. Between transitioning jobs to family life to my own mental issues, I just felt like I needed a break from it all. So I took it. Now I’m back. Sorta…

Everyone can’t do that. They can’t just pick up and leave just like that (Jay-Z line). They have family and other obligations that would prevent them from doing like me and taking my ball and going home. Shit is therapeutic as hell though. If you can I urge each and every one of you to stop what you’re doing and plan a getaway. It doesn’t even have to be far or even out of your house. Just schedule some alone time to get yourself together. You can’t pour into others if you’re empty. Refill that vessel.

I needed to take a trip so I did. I am in-between jobs right now. Now really unemployed but I resigned from my old job and I’m waiting for my new job to start. It’s just taking a little longer than I planned to get things together. This is to be expected since the job is overseas and there are a number of hoops to jump through. Ya know, dot the I’s and cross the T’s. It’s a government contract so we have to make sure everything is everything.

Anyway, I decided to take two trips. One to see my sister, brother (in-law) and nieces. The other is to see #Bae. Yep. No longer #prebae but she’s graduated to #Bae! I have to fly out of DC anyway so might as well stop by, right?

I think this really has been the break that I needed. I was able to just relax and detox my mind (and body). Oddly, I’m ready to get to work though. It may be the new challenge, being tired of sitting in the house watching trash daytime tv or both.  Not ready to leave #Bae but I’m ready to get this money!  Sallie Mae doesn’t care too much about my need for a vacation. She needs that bag so I gotta get it since the getting ain’t gonna get itself (Katt Williams voice).  Stay tuned…


Dude, Where’s My Car?

Okay so my memory isn’t what it used to be but it’s still there. Like I may not remember what I just ate like 20 minutes ago or what happened to me in the 6th grade but the in-between stuff I can remember. Like where I parked my car.

Y’all, someone stole my car! Yeah stole my vehicle from my place of residence. Uggh I was so pissed at the time. I’m over it now though. I mean compared to all the other shit that has been happening lately that’s the least of my problems. It can be replaced. The thing that pissed me off the most was that the police officer, and two detectives kept asking me if I just “misplaced” it or forgot where I parked… Are you kidding me? How can I just forget where I parked at an apartment building with assigned parking spots? This is not the mall or some outlet with a million entrances and exits. Do you not see the shattered glass where my car was and the parking spot assigned to me?

I truly hate when people talk down to me like that. Like I would forget where I parked and call the police at ‘O dark thirty and go through all of this trouble to file a claim with the insurance company and a police report simply because I forgot where my assigned parking spot is. Gtfoh and go do your job.

They did find my car almost a month later. Smashed and trashed. Apparently it was also used in some other robberies or whatever what have you. Not really my concern. Insurance will cut me a check and I’ll more than likely just buy something cheap but reliable and save the rest to move. I don’t know. I’m just so frustrated right now. Even just thinking about it as I type this up is bringing back memories and pissing me off again.

Stop Giving Power To The Powerless

I am a victim of this. I often give attention or power to those that should not hold my attention or any type of power over my life. I am essentially letting them run my life when they have no clue as to how to run their own. This has to stop.

I always end up caring more about someone else than they care about me. That’s how I end up hurt. I love hard and fast. Then when I get rejected or let down I still stay or stick around. It’s like I’m glutton for punishment. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice… Yeah it’s more like fool me a million times and I’m still like ‘ hey, wyd? Thinking about you…’ Just a character flaw that I’ve always had. I’m too nice. I guess… Or I can’t let go. One or the other or maybe a bit of both. *Kanye shrug*

When I relinquish my power to people or things that have no business with it that’s when things go wrong. Like handing over an 18 wheeler to a nine year old that has never even sat in the front seat of a prius before. You’re bound to crash and destroy something or someone.

I also tend to relive the past. I’ll go back and text or call people that I know good and well I have no business being in contact with. They are my exes or former friends for a reason. Duh! I will get nostalgic when I see something that we both laughed at on tv or while out or the dreaded Facebook memories will remind me of them. Uggh. I then feel like I should reach out just to see how they are doing as well as to test to see if I’m truly over them and the situation that led to our break-up. Most of the time I’m not. I’ll end up hurt or upset once again because they’ve seemed to have moved on from it while I’m still frozen in time. Thus starting the cycle all over again.

Gotta stop giving power to the powerless. Now they have the power when I thought I took it back. Sigh… Geez I need to get out of my own way!

Tis Better To Have Loved and Lost…

Soooo… Yeah. It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you… My old school rap fans know the rest. I’ve been missing in action for a little while just to get my mind right and all. I still write 1000 words a day I just haven’t really been posting them.  Some of them were crap and some were just a little too personal.  I might as well give you guys a rundown of what’s been happening lately.

Okay, so I put myself out there and fell in love again. yeah, I fell for someone. So a few weeks ago I went to see #prebae. You don’t know what a Pre Bae is? Pre Bae is when you talk to someone all the time and you both like each other and have established that you both like each other but for whatever reason, you can’t be together – together right now. That could be distance, time, a current relationship has ended… All kinds of stuff. So yeah a Pre Bae is basically Bae but not officially bae.

I was really feeling this lady. Like we got along so well it’s kind of scary. Y’all know me.  Whenever something is going too well I tend to fuck it up somehow. But anyway, we have been talking on the phone, video chatting and all that good stuff. You know, technology. We have talked literally every day since January but finally got to meet in person.

Everything was going great and heading to Baeville when someone decided to stick their nose in my business and essentially ruin it all. Thanks. Without getting into too much detail basically, they somehow got her information and told her all types of lies mixed in with truths that she already knew. Now the trust is gone and we’re done. Back to being single and alone.

I really really liked her and thought I believe she was one of my ones (watch A Bronx Tale in order to get the reference). Now she just wants to be friends. She says that she still likes me and all but right now it’s just too much for her. so again, thanks to whoever fucked up my life.  All this time and energy and vibes ruined my one phone call.

anyway, that’s the love side of things. It hasn’t been going great and I don’t think it will get any better anytime soon. but the professional side of things is looking up.  I went back to my old company. Yeah, I know I know. I left because I felt like I wasn’t being appreciated and was underutilized. That’s changed. I am in a better position than when I left.  Honestly, the other company was cool but not a good fit for me. It was a very unprofessional frat boy type environment and I just didn’t feel like I fit in.  So I get a surprise call from my old supervisor about a position that was coming available that she thought would be a great fit. We met for lunch and sealed the deal. Now I’m back.  There’s also another opportunity that she wants me to apply for but it’s in Phoenix and would start sometime in the first quarter of 2019.  I mean, there’s no reason for me to stay here or move to DC (see earlier about #prebae).

A move to Phoenix may be just what I need. A fresh start in a new city on the other side of the country away from all my family, so-called friends and the like. Maybe it will allow me to clear my head and get back on track. I’ve been so off my game lately. I haven’t focused on creating anything worthwhile, my writing has gone to shit, slight depression has started to set in and I’ve just been so meh lately. I’ll get back on track sooner rather than later though.

Anyway, That’s what has been happening to me. There’s a ton more but I really don’t want to take up any more of your time. I have to go and be creative somehow…

Be The Flow

“Don’t go with the flow; be the flow.” – Jay-Z

Forge your own path to greatness. While at times this road may be dark and lonely, just keep going. The light you’re shining is guiding someone else that you don’t even know exists.