Dude, Where’s My Car?

Okay so my memory isn’t what it used to be but it’s still there. Like I may not remember what I just ate like 20 minutes ago or what happened to me in the 6th grade but the in-between stuff I can remember. Like where I parked my car.

Y’all, someone stole my car! Yeah stole my vehicle from my place of residence. Uggh I was so pissed at the time. I’m over it now though. I mean compared to all the other shit that has been happening lately that’s the least of my problems. It can be replaced. The thing that pissed me off the most was that the police officer, and two detectives kept asking me if I just “misplaced” it or forgot where I parked… Are you kidding me? How can I just forget where I parked at an apartment building with assigned parking spots? This is not the mall or some outlet with a million entrances and exits. Do you not see the shattered glass where my car was and the parking spot assigned to me?

I truly hate when people talk down to me like that. Like I would forget where I parked and call the police at ‘O dark thirty and go through all of this trouble to file a claim with the insurance company and a police report simply because I forgot where my assigned parking spot is. Gtfoh and go do your job.

They did find my car almost a month later. Smashed and trashed. Apparently it was also used in some other robberies or whatever what have you. Not really my concern. Insurance will cut me a check and I’ll more than likely just buy something cheap but reliable and save the rest to move. I don’t know. I’m just so frustrated right now. Even just thinking about it as I type this up is bringing back memories and pissing me off again.

Stop Giving Power To The Powerless

I am a victim of this. I often give attention or power to those that should not hold my attention or any type of power over my life. I am essentially letting them run my life when they have no clue as to how to run their own. This has to stop.

I always end up caring more about someone else than they care about me. That’s how I end up hurt. I love hard and fast. Then when I get rejected or let down I still stay or stick around. It’s like I’m glutton for punishment. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice… Yeah it’s more like fool me a million times and I’m still like ‘ hey, wyd? Thinking about you…’ Just a character flaw that I’ve always had. I’m too nice. I guess… Or I can’t let go. One or the other or maybe a bit of both. *Kanye shrug*

When I relinquish my power to people or things that have no business with it that’s when things go wrong. Like handing over an 18 wheeler to a nine year old that has never even sat in the front seat of a prius before. You’re bound to crash and destroy something or someone.

I also tend to relive the past. I’ll go back and text or call people that I know good and well I have no business being in contact with. They are my exes or former friends for a reason. Duh! I will get nostalgic when I see something that we both laughed at on tv or while out or the dreaded Facebook memories will remind me of them. Uggh. I then feel like I should reach out just to see how they are doing as well as to test to see if I’m truly over them and the situation that led to our break-up. Most of the time I’m not. I’ll end up hurt or upset once again because they’ve seemed to have moved on from it while I’m still frozen in time. Thus starting the cycle all over again.

Gotta stop giving power to the powerless. Now they have the power when I thought I took it back. Sigh… Geez I need to get out of my own way!

Tis Better To Have Loved and Lost…

Soooo… Yeah. It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you… My old school rap fans know the rest. I’ve been missing in action for a little while just to get my mind right and all. I still write 1000 words a day I just haven’t really been posting them.  Some of them were crap and some were just a little too personal.  I might as well give you guys a rundown of what’s been happening lately.

Okay, so I put myself out there and fell in love again. yeah, I fell for someone. So a few weeks ago I went to see #prebae. You don’t know what a Pre Bae is? Pre Bae is when you talk to someone all the time and you both like each other and have established that you both like each other but for whatever reason, you can’t be together – together right now. That could be distance, time, a current relationship has ended… All kinds of stuff. So yeah a Pre Bae is basically Bae but not officially bae.

I was really feeling this lady. Like we got along so well it’s kind of scary. Y’all know me.  Whenever something is going too well I tend to fuck it up somehow. But anyway, we have been talking on the phone, video chatting and all that good stuff. You know, technology. We have talked literally every day since January but finally got to meet in person.

Everything was going great and heading to Baeville when someone decided to stick their nose in my business and essentially ruin it all. Thanks. Without getting into too much detail basically, they somehow got her information and told her all types of lies mixed in with truths that she already knew. Now the trust is gone and we’re done. Back to being single and alone.

I really really liked her and thought I believe she was one of my ones (watch A Bronx Tale in order to get the reference). Now she just wants to be friends. She says that she still likes me and all but right now it’s just too much for her. so again, thanks to whoever fucked up my life.  All this time and energy and vibes ruined my one phone call.

anyway, that’s the love side of things. It hasn’t been going great and I don’t think it will get any better anytime soon. but the professional side of things is looking up.  I went back to my old company. Yeah, I know I know. I left because I felt like I wasn’t being appreciated and was underutilized. That’s changed. I am in a better position than when I left.  Honestly, the other company was cool but not a good fit for me. It was a very unprofessional frat boy type environment and I just didn’t feel like I fit in.  So I get a surprise call from my old supervisor about a position that was coming available that she thought would be a great fit. We met for lunch and sealed the deal. Now I’m back.  There’s also another opportunity that she wants me to apply for but it’s in Phoenix and would start sometime in the first quarter of 2019.  I mean, there’s no reason for me to stay here or move to DC (see earlier about #prebae).

A move to Phoenix may be just what I need. A fresh start in a new city on the other side of the country away from all my family, so-called friends and the like. Maybe it will allow me to clear my head and get back on track. I’ve been so off my game lately. I haven’t focused on creating anything worthwhile, my writing has gone to shit, slight depression has started to set in and I’ve just been so meh lately. I’ll get back on track sooner rather than later though.

Anyway, That’s what has been happening to me. There’s a ton more but I really don’t want to take up any more of your time. I have to go and be creative somehow…

Be The Flow

“Don’t go with the flow; be the flow.” – Jay-Z

Forge your own path to greatness. While at times this road may be dark and lonely, just keep going. The light you’re shining is guiding someone else that you don’t even know exists.

Karma

I believe in karma. She’s one of my best friends. I wholeheartedly feel that what you put out will come back to you. Just like a boomerang. While you may not reap the seeds that have been sown right away, it will eventually bloom.

Good energy or juju is just as powerful as bad energy or juju. Be careful of what you put in the atmosphere. Only give what you are willing to receive.

Be Your Best

You’ll always win when you give it your all and do your best. Don’t be so concerned with trophies and awards to display your excellence. Self acknowledgement is a much greater reward.

Push yourself in every situation to be better than the last time. You are better than you think you are.

You got this! Just go out there and make the best of your today’s the worst of your tomorrows.

Choose Happy

Happiness is not something that comes naturally or just happens. At least not for me. I have to make a conscious effort to make happiness a part of my daily life. Being happy is a choice just like being angry, upset, or sad is a choice. You have to choose happy over choosing to be angry, upset or sad.

I have to sometimes will or force myself into a state of happiness. It just doesn’t come as naturally to me as it does to others. When I find myself not choosing happiness I try and find at least 3 things that make me happy or put me in a state of euphoria and focus on them until I’m able to freely choose to be happy. The key is in the choice. If you have to choose, always choose happy and pursue it like your life depends on it.

When You Believe…

sem·i·co·lon

ˈsemēˌkōlən,ˈsemīˌkōlən/

noun

a punctuation mark (;) indicating a pause, typically between two main clauses, that is more pronounced than that indicated by a comma.

Every tattoo on my body has some personal meaning to it. This is a marking that, unless I have it covered, I will bear for the rest of my life as a message to the world as to what I am about or was going through at the time. This is my newest addition.

As an mental health advocate and survivor of suicidal thoughts and depression I chose the word believe with a semicolon replacing the letter ‘i’.

This tattoo encourages me to bel;eve that things will be better and that this is not the end of my journey.

It’s one thing to just say aloud or to myself that even though times are hard that they will be better and things will be okay. It’s a total difference when you actually bel;eve that things will be better or different.

The bel;ef in a better way is what makes it happen. When you truly bel;eve that you will be okay, you will be. You have to bel;eve.