I’ve been in a foul mood lately. Like out of nowhere foul mood. Like crank-eey foul mood. Like I don’t even want to be around myself let alone other people foul mood. Why have I been in a foul mood? Damned if I know. All I know is that I have been trying to be really positive and such. I started out the week really into in and being inspirational and positive and shit but by Wednesday my positivity (auto-correct keeps telling me that’s not a word but I like it and shall use it anyway) meter was close to empty. By midday Thursday I was running on fumes. After lunch I was truly like if you don’t get away from me I will literally bite your head off!
I get like this sometimes. I’m all good for a bit and then all of a sudden it hits me and it’s a wrap. I’m sure it’s related to some type of chemical imbalance. But y’all are not gonna have me medicated and zombified. Been there. Done that. Shout out to the people can handle the meds and/or don’t mind being a zombie but not the kid. I just can’t. I just need to find that happy balance between being positive and eff yo couch as my homie told me. We’re working on that.
When I got like this as a kid I was labeled things like two faced or wishy washy… People couldn’t really understand how I’m happy and talkative and outgoing-ish one day and avoiding them or seemingly mad the next day. This was of course before introvert was a thing or at least a thing for me. I was just a shy weird kid that could talk when I wanted and wouldn’t talk when I didn’t want to.
I always tell myself to “get out your feelings, B”. it’s a whole lot easier said than done. I mean I’m a sensitive soul so not only am I dealing with this chemical imbalance that gives me mood swings, I’m also easily offended. I’m talking about by the littlest of the littlest things. I have learned how to mask this offense when it happens and sort of stay out of my feelings but it can be a bit much. I have found ways of masking this but the most effective is to shut everything down. Well, that’s not really the most effective way but it is the easiest way to deal with the problem. Basically, I deal with the problem by not dealing with the problem. Yep, this causes me to go even deeper into my feelings. Vicious cycle here, folks. I gotta do better…