Cookout Schmookout

One thing I love and hate about my job. They are supportive of each other. I love the fact that they support you,encourage and push you to go after things and once you set a goal they do what they can to help you achieve them. My work team is pretty awesome in that regard, especially upper management. They really do believe in the ‘each one teach one’ philosophy.

The thing that I hate is that they are supportive of each other. Yeah, as an introvert in an extroverted workplace this is a gift and a curse. I have been able to use this supportive nature to get a promotion which is dope but that meant invasion of my space, or I felt like it was an invasion of my space at times.  I needs my space. As the illlustrious ghetto poet Lil O says ‘Back back back back. Gimme 50 feet”.

Recently we had a ‘fun day’ at work. pretty much a corporate party or cookout. It would have been cool if it wasn’t mandatory that I attend. Yep, mandatory. So I didn’t even have a choice of attending or not. The good thing is that I got paid for it. I hate going to events like this. I hate small talk about unimportant things. The thing about that is, I’ve learned that I may think that they conversation is meaningless and a waste of time but the person I’m speaking with may think that it’s important so I endure these conversations that seem to be hours long but in reality only last maybe 3-5 minutes. Yes, I’m the guy that will end the conversation in the middle to say I need to ‘freshen up my drink’.

The thing about office parties or events is that it all seems so fake. Well, to me. I get that it’s a great way to network and get to know your coworkers but why do I need to get to know them? I’m good. I sit in my office, turn on my tunes and do my work. Knowing about Becky’s 15 cats and meth addict kids doesn’t help me get my work done. If anything it seems to be a distraction. Let me alone, Becky.

On My Day Off? 

So I’m at home chilling. Catching up on the final few episodes of Ozark on Netflix. Ya know, just recouping and regenerating some of the energy I lost working with these needy extroverts in my office. 

I happen to glance over at my phone to check the time and I see I’ve missed like 4 instant messages from my coworkers and one from my supervisor, who’s supposed to be on vacation. At first glance they seemed urgent so I open the app. Y’all, these are some simple ass questions that could wait until I’m back in the office on Monday. I ignore them and check my supervisor’s messages. She wants me to come in on my day off after I’ve already put in around 48-50 billable hours already to help on someone else’s project. Umm no ma’am. That’s a no from me, Dawg. 

My days off are special to me and I appreciate them. I go hard when I work so I need that time to myself. How do you spend your days off? 

I’m Still Here, Somehow… 

Sometimes I wake up and wonder why I’m even still here.

The problem with depression and dealing with anxiety is that I don’t have any other black people, aka black men, that I can talk about my issues with. Black people in general don’t talk about their feelings and emotions let alone most black men. Therapy is not a thing in the black community. It’s a shame because I’ve been in therapy for years and it has worked for me. I dont understand why you wouldn’t want to seek help from someone when you need it. They don’t have to be a therapist. It could be a friend that is or has gone through a similar situation. There is strength in numbers. 

What works for me may not work for others. I get that. Really,  I do. I’m not even here to push therapy on anyone. I mean as an introvert it’s not always easy to talk to someone about how we feel, especially a stranger. It can feel judgmental. That’s how it felt at first. As time went on I became more comfortable with the process. Gotta trust the process. Baby steps, my G. Baby steps. 

So I woke up the other morning actually feeling better than I usual do in the mornings. Of course, this didn’t last long. As soon as I walked in my office I wanted to turn back around and go anywhere. the parking lot, the bathroom, hell anywhere… It didn’t matter as long as I wasn’t there. I didn’t want to be there because they made me the center of attention.  I hate surprises. I like to plan for any and every situation. So the reason for making me the center of attention was because I was sort of promoted to a new position and they were happy for me. So as soon as I walked in they were all already in my office staring at me with balloons and flowers and a cake. Did I tell y’all I hate surprises? I did? Okay, just making sure you know that I HATE SURPRISES! 

I don’t think people truly understand me and how I feel about things. I have a different view on life but I also have a hard time expressing this to people. Especially verbally. I just get flustered and the words I want to say get replaced with words that have nothing to do with how I really feel. Shit’s frustrating, B. I’m working on it but damn. I just want to run away and be alone. Seeing as I’m the only one that knows what I really want to say. Ya know? Uggh, even while I’m trying to write this I can’t explain how I truly feel. So that’s it for now. I’ll be back. 

Hi… 

Hey. Yeah, you might be wondering where I’ve been. Well, I’ve been out minding my mother f’ing business! Just joking. But for real I’ve just been collecting my thoughts and trying to get my life in order. 

I think I told you guys that I battle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. Like everyday. I’ve been taking a break from things to reevaluate my life and see how I can do things differently. Ya know, like get out of my own way and stop getting all in my feelings and hurt over every little thing. Working on it… 

Rejuvenation Saturday 

It’s rejuvenation Saturday, fam. I know Saturday is typically the day you’re running around trying to get a million things done. Just take a few moments to chill and relax. Let those worries from the week melt away. Your personal health and well being is way more important than anything you think you need to do today. Namaste, y’all. 

Grinds My Gears 

You know what really grinds my gears, my G? Sorry not sure why I say ‘my G’ when I get upset but I do it every time. Just one of my weird quirks. Strangely enough that also grinds my gears. My G. 

Anyway, what grinds my gears (Today) is when people make it like introverts are afraid of everything. That drives me crazy! Especially when I see it from other so called introverts. What triggered this was when I was randomly scrolling through my Instagram feed (you can follow me over at @blackintrovertchronicles) and I saw a post from another introvert related account that shall not be named. I don’t want any instabeef. They posted a meme of a person quivering in fear while in bed with the sheets pulled up over half of their face. The person was nervously peeking out from under the covers at a ringing phone. The caption was something like “how introverts react to a phone call” or some bull shit. This made me so mad, my G. Introverts aren’t afraid of the world and for an account and site to continue to perpetuate that stupid and incorrect stereotype makes it even worst. 

That’s one of the reasons why I decided to start this site. I wanted to change the way people viewed, reacted to, interacted with and understood what it’s like to be introverted. Look, B. See now I’ve switched from ‘my G’ to ‘B’. Why? I have no clue but look, B. Just because I classify myself as an introvert or even as a shy person doesn’t mean that I’m afraid. I probably have more heart than you. I may not want to be in a crowd because I just don’t want to be around a bunch of people I don’t know or trust. I have some major trust issues too. It has nothing to do with fear. Stop it, Yung. 

This irks me but it’s one of the biggest misconceptions of introverts and for a so called introvert site to perpetuate that nonsense kinda pisses me off. I’ve said this already but I’m upset so I tend to repeat myself for emphasis.  I told y’all in the last post that I was sensitive and easily offended so take this post with a grain of salt. 

Get Out Your Feelings, B… 

I’ve been in a foul mood lately. Like out of nowhere foul mood. Like crank-eey foul mood. Like I don’t even want to be around myself let alone other people foul mood. Why have I been in a foul mood? Damned if I know. All I know is that I have been trying to be really positive and such. I started out the week really into in and being inspirational and positive and shit but by Wednesday my positivity (auto-correct keeps telling me that’s not a word but I like it and shall use it anyway) meter was close to empty. By midday Thursday I was running on fumes. After lunch I was truly like if you don’t get away from me I will literally bite your head off!

I get like this sometimes. I’m all good for a bit and then all of a sudden it hits me and it’s a wrap.  I’m sure it’s related to some type of chemical imbalance. But y’all are not gonna have me medicated and zombified. Been there. Done that. Shout out to the people can handle the meds and/or don’t mind being a zombie but not the kid. I just can’t.  I just need to find that happy balance between being positive and eff yo couch as my homie told me. We’re working on that.

When I got like this as a kid I was labeled things like two faced or wishy washy… People couldn’t really understand how I’m happy and talkative and outgoing-ish one day and avoiding them or seemingly mad the next day. This was of course before introvert was a thing or at least a thing for me. I was just a shy weird kid that could talk when I wanted and wouldn’t talk when I didn’t want to.

I always tell myself to “get out your feelings, B”. it’s a whole lot easier said than done. I mean I’m a sensitive soul so not only am I dealing with this chemical imbalance that gives me mood swings, I’m also easily offended. I’m talking about by the littlest of the littlest things. I have learned how to mask this offense when it happens and sort of stay out of my feelings but it can be a bit much. I have found ways of masking this but the most effective is to shut everything down. Well, that’s not really the most effective way but it is the easiest way to deal with the problem. Basically, I deal with the problem by not dealing with the problem. Yep, this causes me to go even deeper into my feelings. Vicious cycle here, folks.  I gotta do better…

And The Oscar For Best Supporting Actor Goes To…

As an introvert I don’t like or desire to be the center of attention. I don’t feel like I need to be upfront or the star of the show. I can however play the role of supporting actor. I could win an Oscar for my portrayal. I love being a supporting actor. I allow the lead actor to shine by doing what I do best, motivate and push you to be the best that you can be. A good supporting actor/actress gives the lead actor/actress room to be their best while still making the scene relevant. I’m not here to steal the scene, just to enhance it.

I’m all about supporting my people. I think in a way it allows me to live through them without have to deal with being in the spotlight. That’s my role in life. support.

Find Me Somewhere Under Cover

Have you ever had one of those days where you just don’t want to deal with anything or anyone? Today is one of those days, “that a guy goes through, when I’m angry inside don’t want to take it out on you”.  Don’t take it personal – Monica, 1995. Man, I was so in love with Monica. I had the biggest crush on her. 

So anyway, this adulting thing is some bull shit. Excuse my language but it is. Today I don’t feel like doing anything besides laying on this couch with my favorite blanket and alternating between episodes of Seinfeld, Golden Girls, Martin and Fresh Prince. In that order. 

But alas I have unnecessarily necessary things to do like go to work to make money, then go to the doctor to make sure I stay healthy enough to go to work to make money.  One day I’ll be able to get to a point where I can not have to worry about these things but until then I have to do what I have to do. 

I’m just in one of those cranky, leave me alone, bad moods. Everything either aggravates me or annoys me or both. I’m having trouble finding my happy place. I can’t focus on what’s important. I keep getting sidetracked by little things like Typhoid Tammy (or is it Typhoid Mary? I’ll have to Google that before I post. Or not. I wonder how she got that name? I mean who would want to be the face of or spokesperson for typhoid?) came back to work and brought her whooping cough with her. Backstory; last week she was coughing up a lung and I playfully said that she may have the plague. She leaves for the day and goes to the doctor and is out a few days. Word on the street is that she has bronchitis or some kind of bronchial thing. Me saying she had the plague prompted her to go to the doctor so I sort of saved her life right? Well, no. She’s back and so is that damned cough. 

So now I have to deal with my own funky attitude and hear her coughing her guts and lungs out. And on top of all this I can’t sleep. My rhythm is off and this melatonin isn’t helping. Today is just not my day. Can I get a do over?

I honestly think the conference call I had yesterday afternoon zapped all of my energy. I had to put on my outgoing persona for too long. I think I reached my limit and went past it. Tomorrow will definitely be a Netflix and chill day. Like literally. 

Dodged A Bullet

So today I’m at work ya know, working. Headphones on. Can we talk about how great headphones are for a second? I wear either over the ear headphones or earbuds almost all the time.  They are like my defense mechanism against the world. I find that people are less likely to approach me with boring, inconsequential small talk if I am wearing them and it looks like I’m concentrating on something. Truth is, Half the time they aren’t even plugged in and if they are there is no music playing.  Cool trick. Try it sometime. Anyway, back to my story.

I’ll just start over… So I’m at work in my office minding my business which, depends on the time of day, means I’m on Instagram or twitter hunting for memes. So during my ‘research’ my supervisor’s supervisor comes to the door and tells me that since my supervisor is out today that I need to present last quarter’s stats and the this quarter’s projections at the meeting. The meeting was within the hour! I played it cool, didn’t want him to know I was shook and said “Okay, sure. I have all the stats here anyway, we worked on them last week.  See you in an hour”.  He gives me 2 thumbs up, don’t ask why because I don’t know why people still do that, turns and walks back to his office or wherever he came from.

Now, on the outside I made it seem like I was all good and ready but on the inside I was panicking and wanted to crawl under my desk and hide for the rest of the day.  This wasn’t from a lack of knowledge. I know the stats back and forth but having to present them to not only the staff but also strangers terrifies me.  Not to mention I had on my custom ‘Kanye in the sunken place’ shirt that my play sis made for me. Not really appropriate to run a meeting in, especially when that meeting is about 70% older white people. They probably wouldn’t have gotten the reference anyway now that I think about it. Uggh. I worry too much.  So anyway, I’m sitting here stressing out for the next 45-50 minutes only for my supervisor’s supervisor to send me an instant message that the meeting was being rescheduled to next week. Phew ! *wipes forehead*

Speaking in public is always terrifying for me. I’m always afraid I will either say something I shouldn’t say or not say something that I should. Then I work myself into a frenzy and get all discombobulated.  The only way I can get over this setback is to picture myself as someone else. I know it sounds weird but let me explain. I wanted to be an actor when I was younger because it allowed me to play an outgoing person without having to be an outgoing person. Make sense? Okay so when I have to speak in public or large groups I turn on those acting skills I learned and I’m able to focus.

Focusing. That is something I struggle with so much. My mind is running at like 100 mph and I can’t slow it down. I’m always thinking of ideas and before I can even start working on that idea I’m off to working on the what the next idea will be. What can I say? I’m an ideas guy.  So that was an interesting part of my day. Had a slight panic/anxiety situation that I worked myself into a frenzy about for nothing.  How was your day?