Yeah I’ve been a little out of pocket lately. For some reason, my juju has been off and it’s affecting my mood. I’ve been cranky, irritated, annoyed, angry, sad and slightly depressed all at the same time. Yeah, that’s a lot for one person to deal with. The thing is, I’m not sure why or where this came from. It’s like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed one morning and it’s been groundhog’s day ever since.
Y’all know I’m a big proponent of self care and if need be, seeking professional help. Well, time for me to seek some professional help. I’ve been in therapy before and it has helped me process.
I just wish it wasn’t such a stigma against it in our community. So many people could benefit from sitting down and talking out their problems or issues with someone that is trained to help them. It doesn’t make you any less of a man or woman to seek outside help. That’s what they’re there for.
This past weekend was my 20th year high school reunion. Of course I didn’t go. Why would you even ask me that? Have you not read the title of the blog? Acutally, I was out of town on a business trip but I probably wouldn’t have gone even if I wasnt on that trip. I just wasn’t prepared for the crowd of people, the questions, or the small talk. Mind you, I had plenty of time to prepare. I think they announced it and started arranging things maybe a year to a year and a half ago so really not having enough time to prepare is not an excuse. Basically, I just didn’t want to go. A part of me did but the biggest part of me didn’t.
After looking aka stalking some of the Facebook posts about the reunion I kind of regret not going. I mean, if anything it would have been a great time to network and talk to people that I know and feel comfortable around about my business. Opportunity missed. They had such a great time that they are thinking about getting together every two years. Yeah, I need to get this social anxiety shit under control because it would have been great seeing some of my old classmates. Even if I didn’t talk to them much.
I feel like, no take that back, I know that being an introvert is holding me back and hindering any progress that I could possibly make. I don’t drink or smoke so I can’t use that as a coping mechanism when out and about. I have to rely on myself and my own personality. This leads to me standing or sitting in the corner watching everyone else have a great time. Here’s the thing. I don’t really have a problem with crowds as long as I don’t have to be directly involved with anyone in the crowd. Make sense? Okay, let me explain. Here’s an example; I don’t have a problem going to a sporting event that will draw a large number of strangers, as long as I can sit in my seat, watch the game or whatever and not be bothered. Now the issue comes along when the people around me decide to be chummy and want to chat it up. That’s when the nerves kick in and I start to get a little anxious and/or nervous. I freak out, well not really, because I’m worried about my response. Did I say the right thing? Did I say the wrong thing? Did I respond to fast or too slow? Did what I say even make sense. Uggh.. I’ll just get up and leave before this person thinks I’m a total idiot. During the entire ride home I’m now regretting the whole decision to come out in the first place. So yeah, that’s how my mind works.
It’s hard outchea in these introvert streets, homie. It’s either pass or fail. Live or die. Ain’t no in-between. I don’t know why I typed that or what it means but I did so there’s that…
Anyway. If you have some suggestions on how you get over your social anxiety that you think could help me, pass them along. I’m trying to get myself prepared for 2018 now. Yep it’s September 2017 and I’m prepping myself for 2018. It takes just that long for me to get it together. See ya on the flip side.
Sometimes I wake up and wonder why I’m even still here.
The problem with depression and dealing with anxiety is that I don’t have any other black people, aka black men, that I can talk about my issues with. Black people in general don’t talk about their feelings and emotions let alone most black men. Therapy is not a thing in the black community. It’s a shame because I’ve been in therapy for years and it has worked for me. I dont understand why you wouldn’t want to seek help from someone when you need it. They don’t have to be a therapist. It could be a friend that is or has gone through a similar situation. There is strength in numbers.
What works for me may not work for others. I get that. Really, I do. I’m not even here to push therapy on anyone. I mean as an introvert it’s not always easy to talk to someone about how we feel, especially a stranger. It can feel judgmental. That’s how it felt at first. As time went on I became more comfortable with the process. Gotta trust the process. Baby steps, my G. Baby steps.
So I woke up the other morning actually feeling better than I usual do in the mornings. Of course, this didn’t last long. As soon as I walked in my office I wanted to turn back around and go anywhere. the parking lot, the bathroom, hell anywhere… It didn’t matter as long as I wasn’t there. I didn’t want to be there because they made me the center of attention. I hate surprises. I like to plan for any and every situation. So the reason for making me the center of attention was because I was sort of promoted to a new position and they were happy for me. So as soon as I walked in they were all already in my office staring at me with balloons and flowers and a cake. Did I tell y’all I hate surprises? I did? Okay, just making sure you know that I HATE SURPRISES!
I don’t think people truly understand me and how I feel about things. I have a different view on life but I also have a hard time expressing this to people. Especially verbally. I just get flustered and the words I want to say get replaced with words that have nothing to do with how I really feel. Shit’s frustrating, B. I’m working on it but damn. I just want to run away and be alone. Seeing as I’m the only one that knows what I really want to say. Ya know? Uggh, even while I’m trying to write this I can’t explain how I truly feel. So that’s it for now. I’ll be back.