Yesterday, well the past 2 days, I was in a funk. I needed to get out of it and quick. I can’t live like that. I was doing too well and feeling too good to revert back.
I had to shake this feeling so I turned to my favorite activity. Listening to music. Music gets me out of the bad place. Specifically Kanye. For some reason I feel a connection to his music and vibe. I understand him and he understands me.
People talk bad about Kanye and call him crazy but to me he’s just misunderstood. When I feel misunderstood I can listen to some Kanye and know that someone else gets it. If there’s nobody else that gets me, Kanye gets me.
Now that I think about it, I could be in a bad place because I missed my last 2 therapy appointments. The first one was on me and my poor scheduling but the last one was on him… I’ll get back right sooner or later. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
I think I just exerted too much energy this week and last week. Went to see Black Panther on last Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Then I went to see my dad (in my head) Spike Lee’s School Daze on Monday. It’s all catching up to me now and I’m crashing. Too much extroverting.
Sigh… I have to repeat this to myself everyday. Just win the day. Not the week or month. Just the day. Sometimes the hour…
Dealing with anxiety and depression is a daily struggle. Some days are better than others but everyday is a struggle. It’s especially hard when the people around you don’t really understand what’s going on or even how to deal with it. Struggle. Being around young extroverted frat boys all day is exhausting and draining as hell. I did say I wanted to step out and be more engaging. So I guess that’s what I need to do… It’s just difficult when you feel like nobody understands you but you.
I was feeling so good, y’all. I was on a high. I went out like twice this month already and had a great time. Then today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just felt like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I’ve just been in a bad, depressive mood all day. I’m sure it’ll wash over.
Sigh. Gotta remember to just win the day…
So I decided to take that leap and head out to this networking event for other black bloggers/podcasters and the like. I was hella nervous because I was going alone and would be in a room full of strangers. Anxiety levels through.the.roof! Y’all know I talk myself out of doing anything that is remotely outside of my comfort zone but I went anyway. I gotta get out of my own way.
Y’all… I’m so glad I went! I had a chance to meet some great people and well ya know, network. I arrived like an hour late due to some other foolishness. Sometimes Netflix can be the devil. Anyway. When I first arrived and came up the stairs of the place I saw all these beautiful black people talking to each other and stuff. I didn’t have butterflies in my stomach they were big ass bald eagles flying around in there! I wanted to turn around and go back downstairs, out the door that I came in and head home but I couldn’t. See, I promised myself that I would step out more, I’m already here and if I left what story would I have to tell you? Nah. I’ll just stick it out.
After some initial awkward moments , I’m such a male version of Issa, I was able to get into the flow and met some really cool people and potential collaborators. I’m looking forward to the next Meetup and Working with the people I met this time.
This is my first major ‘stepping out’ event of the year. I was supposed to go last month but had another engagement. This actually gave me a little boost of confidence that I can actually do a meet and greet and not die.
YouTube is the devil when you’re trying to get work done. I am trying to do this writing thing so I use google, instagram, youtube and occasionally facebook and twitter to research or comeuppance with stories. Great. They are a huge limitless source of information, right? My only problem is that with youtube I tend to fall down the ‘YouTube rabbit hole’ of sorts. thanks to the stupid little related/suggested videos on the right hand side I can start off watching a how-to video on some tech thing that should only take 5 minutes or so and end up 3 hours later watching ‘Knuck if you buck’ or some 90s R & B playlist. it’s horrible. Add in my ADHD and yeah, it’s really bad. I really love YouTube. I mean you can be educated and entertained at the same time but sometimes it can be a bit much.
I know you’re probably thinking ‘just google it and read an article instead of going to the video’. I’m the same way with searching on Google. All over the place! I’ll start off searching one place and end up someplace totally off topic. I gotta focus, my G. Maybe I’ll just go old school, go to the library and look through the encyclopedia and actual physical newspapers.
So, we’re almost a month into the new year. Have you stuck to those ‘new year’s resolutions’? Me? Yep. So far so good. Well, I don’t really do resolutions in the traditional new year’s sense. I just set small attainable goals and build off of each win. Like the snowball effect. One small victory gives you the confidence to achieve another small victory and so on and so forth. Eventually you’re dealing with a great big snowball of victories that is careening down the hill of success. Yep. Straight like that.
One of my long term goals was to use social media less and read more. That’s going well. Once I stepped back from snapchat, facebook and IG and use them less often I’m actually learning things about myself. Things that I do and don’t like. Because of me and not because society tells me that I do or don’t like something. I still struggle with trying to keep my social media lurking to professional business only stalking. I have slipped up here and there but I don’t spend nearly as much time as I did this time last month. slow progress is still for sure progress, right?
This blog is taking on a new meaning for me. I started it as a travel blog. Can you believe it? yes, I started this as a travel blog. I wanted it to be a guide for what other introverts like myself can do in different cities and also chronicle what it’s like to travel alone. I still may do that. I don’t know. We’ll see. I will chronicle places I’m going and what I’m doing when I actually do go out. Similar to the Jay-Z 4:44 tour post that I did a while back. Link here –> Jay-Z 4:44 Tour Atlanta Stop
This is now a journal of sorts for me. My therapist says that it’s healthy for me to write down my feelings instead of keeping them bottled up inside. Good call. I tend to internalize everything until one day I boil over like a tea kettle. Tip me over and pour me out. Get it? I’m a little teapot… When I begin to shout… Tip me over and pour… Nevermind.